“No, I’ll not weep:
I have full cause of weeping;
But this heart.
Shall break into hundred thousand flaws
Or ere I’ll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!”
~Shakespeare in King Lear
It’s been so long, almost a year has passed but the questions haven’t pounding my mind; questions that never really got any answers, questions that have jammed my life at one place as in an impasse! I try not to break, not to cry…but can’t control my already broken heart to shatter again and again. Life is a strange phenomenon; when you think everything is fine, one is happy, at bliss and joyous moments are spontaneously flowing in your life but then life is never easy and it always comes at a cost! It turns out to be a mere illusion and ah! this illusion too shatters breaking you along with it. Why did my love become an open sore wound inflicting me with pain, hurt and grief engulfing me in endless sorrow… I want this pain to numb me so I cannot feel the questions pulsing in the mind and tears brimming up in my eyes but I can feel this pain, hurt in every fiber of my body. Why such moments of helplessness, hurt and agony are so abundant and rampant in my life? Why did moments of bliss blow away like a bubble, something I could only watch and never have in my hands? How much inner strength do I need more to tolerate the bruises of my heart? Why don’t I have the strength to let go off my past, be free and pick up myself? Why am I so bonded with an invisible thread to my lost relationship?
This is a tale of deceit. A tale in which I killed my ego, stepped over my self-esteem, went against every other close and dear relation, crossed every limit, suffered so much but for what?! For this pain, this embarrassment, loneliness and treachery. I began this journey and I gave everything to it- my soul, heart, mind, thoughts, time, laughter, happiness, and heartbeat- just everything I had. I moved onto that journey with someone I blindly trusted, taking that person to be my God and gradually embarking confidently with the destination a few spaces away. But then a trust break, a step that left me confused, bruised, hurt and all broken! My Self tore into pieces leaving no scope for me to pick up those broken pieces. My memories get entangled in the pieces of my past and present making my future bleak.
I am left in chaos, can’t understand how did my God forsake me, tear me apart and after doing all this, moved on in life as if I had meant nothing- dirt to me crumbled and crushed. I realize the power to love someone leaves you broken, maybe beyond repair, hope, love, hate and pain. A pain that makes me numb; numb to everything and everyone around me.
A time has come now for me to realize that whatever you do, your parents, family and blood relation, which stands by you, forgives you and accepts you as you are. In that swirling whirlpool, I let go off all my relations, clinging to that one relation for all the support in the world but that relation left my strength and me broken in that whirlpool that smashed my Self into nothing! It was like I couldn’t believe a person who I had trusted with my life would let me fall in a vacuum. But this experience taught me a lot about people I trust in my life and me much mature. I learnt that only after going through the pain, one merges out experienced and it is your family what counts!
I am still waiting at this point, waiting endlessly with a hope that is hopeless. An endless wait that left me with unanswered questions, those that changed the course of my life!
ANONYMOUS
I have full cause of weeping;
But this heart.
Shall break into hundred thousand flaws
Or ere I’ll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!”
~Shakespeare in King Lear
It’s been so long, almost a year has passed but the questions haven’t pounding my mind; questions that never really got any answers, questions that have jammed my life at one place as in an impasse! I try not to break, not to cry…but can’t control my already broken heart to shatter again and again. Life is a strange phenomenon; when you think everything is fine, one is happy, at bliss and joyous moments are spontaneously flowing in your life but then life is never easy and it always comes at a cost! It turns out to be a mere illusion and ah! this illusion too shatters breaking you along with it. Why did my love become an open sore wound inflicting me with pain, hurt and grief engulfing me in endless sorrow… I want this pain to numb me so I cannot feel the questions pulsing in the mind and tears brimming up in my eyes but I can feel this pain, hurt in every fiber of my body. Why such moments of helplessness, hurt and agony are so abundant and rampant in my life? Why did moments of bliss blow away like a bubble, something I could only watch and never have in my hands? How much inner strength do I need more to tolerate the bruises of my heart? Why don’t I have the strength to let go off my past, be free and pick up myself? Why am I so bonded with an invisible thread to my lost relationship?
This is a tale of deceit. A tale in which I killed my ego, stepped over my self-esteem, went against every other close and dear relation, crossed every limit, suffered so much but for what?! For this pain, this embarrassment, loneliness and treachery. I began this journey and I gave everything to it- my soul, heart, mind, thoughts, time, laughter, happiness, and heartbeat- just everything I had. I moved onto that journey with someone I blindly trusted, taking that person to be my God and gradually embarking confidently with the destination a few spaces away. But then a trust break, a step that left me confused, bruised, hurt and all broken! My Self tore into pieces leaving no scope for me to pick up those broken pieces. My memories get entangled in the pieces of my past and present making my future bleak.
I am left in chaos, can’t understand how did my God forsake me, tear me apart and after doing all this, moved on in life as if I had meant nothing- dirt to me crumbled and crushed. I realize the power to love someone leaves you broken, maybe beyond repair, hope, love, hate and pain. A pain that makes me numb; numb to everything and everyone around me.
A time has come now for me to realize that whatever you do, your parents, family and blood relation, which stands by you, forgives you and accepts you as you are. In that swirling whirlpool, I let go off all my relations, clinging to that one relation for all the support in the world but that relation left my strength and me broken in that whirlpool that smashed my Self into nothing! It was like I couldn’t believe a person who I had trusted with my life would let me fall in a vacuum. But this experience taught me a lot about people I trust in my life and me much mature. I learnt that only after going through the pain, one merges out experienced and it is your family what counts!
I am still waiting at this point, waiting endlessly with a hope that is hopeless. An endless wait that left me with unanswered questions, those that changed the course of my life!
ANONYMOUS
